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Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
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Why does something so simply beautiful have to me made a complicated mess by me. I swear i dont need all the attention, the time, the phone calls. I really dont want to be that lover, but i feel ignored. Maybe i just want more friends than i can handle with my current situation. You really are the only friend i could ever want. Do we share everything, except lives, is that what i want-complete equality, because that isnt even possible and i sound foolish. I would try to ditch me too if i was you. I have NO self-esteem this week, maybe i'll finally get my period. I sound so pathetic and lonely. God i mean we live together, and im still waiting for your calls, for your shouts across campus, your invites to lunch. I sound so pathetic "I dont ever get anything i want" Im really not this clingy...am i? All i heard from you this weekend was I love you, dont leave me, hell you even brought me chocolate at work, completley unexpectedly because you missed me during the whole 9 hours i was away.
This sucks, i sound like a baby...i hate love....i hate not feeling like myself
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Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
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| Time: | 8:24 pm. |
| Mood: |  thoughtful. |
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I never stop thinking of you. For the first time in a while i smiled when i saw your picture, not just because i know that is how you want to be remembered, but because i saw your essence, your zen.
A manner that is untouchable, and indescribable. Everytime i see her, i see you. To souls bound to one another, etched all over each other. When you make a life with someone, that is what happens. You made a life with everyone. I bet every single person you came in contact with remembers their conversation with you.
One thing that i cant do is read your thoughts. That is the hardest, partly because of things that i had said or done that i regret, and that you remembered, but also because of the things i wish you wouldve have told me. Having no idea about a person that you were in such close quarters with. It is the small things that erin does that make me sad...when i see her looking out the window. Listening to music, or reading the paper. Things that used to be so simple before you left. Everything is harder now. It's also harder knowing that i cant do anything to make anyone better...So many realizations of that fact have not made me neutral, but less persistent. So many times of being streched so thin because of caring to much, makes you apprehensive, and...shameful. I dont think my family realizes how much of their life is always replaying in my mind. How i worry incessantly about everyones well being, and worry about what they think about me and the course my life is taking. There is no need to worry about me, i dont love anyone less, i pine to be out of that house but not away from family....Well i kind of got off subject, so i guess i will end this post before my emotions override my rational thought.
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How do i love you this much?
What is it that you say,
your words lay warm on my breast.
Your words always on my mind, with my step, with my wake.
When i hear someone tell a story, i tell a story of us.
The only one worth telling.
Is it the way you stand, or sit, or sleep. What you eat, how you smell.
What you say, what you like. Your shower, your laundry.
Your manner is hard to grasp, ever changing, but i have never understood someone so fully.
Someone who understands me is hard to come by, and i will always be here. That is one thing i know for sure. Always stay on this mountain in love with you.
I think i see you all the time. A glimpse of your car, your smile.
Make my day.
I know you miss me when you are annoying, and i know your frustrated when you answer me quickly. You dont often say the things you mean, as if putting on a show. I can see you on a stage, manipulating your audience. You leave everyone wanting more of you.
I am honored to be in your presence. Tip toeing in our happpiness. We never upset eachother. We argue over science, and whats for dinner. The best kind of arguements that end with a rough and tumble on the floor, scaring the cat, making me laugh.
I've never had a bad day with you. A realization that i am just now coming upon. Even in the worst of situations i am excited that you are by me, watching me.
No one realizes how perfect you are. Something you once said to me, that i will reciprocate. I dont remember the inflections in your voice or the time of day when we realized our love, or when we first made love, or what i was wearing when we first met, but i remember where we were, where we were going, and what we smelled like. I feel so incredibly comfortable with you its as if weve been childhood friends, but our first memeories dont feel past me.
I can visualize your past as if im the silent observer, shaping what you will be as a man. I can see your slow progression, the things you've done, said, and read, more vivid for me than you. What i always wanted, a love that is never shallow on either end.
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touching you touch me
sunburn burn, and stomach ache
eat too much, sleep too much
love too much.
Latley i dream of porn stars...hurt dogs...and you..leaving me.
My skin burns as i lay on the porch
but its a feeling i like, a smell that takes me away.
When you say "I miss you" 5 minutes after my departure, i know then you won't leave me.
Sex in the morning, that hurts cruelly.
We get up anyway, pretending were healthy.
That's whats on my mind.
When can i see you next...sleep and eat next...wake up with head curls, and little time before class. That is what i think about, being high in the sun...
Im spoiled :)
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My life is a bore right now...mostly my fault though. I've always been the type that needs others to get me up off my ass when ive had down time. I need deadlines, reports, responsibility. I NEED to find a job. When you are in physical pain you do nothing. Doing nothing leads to more doing nothing, which leads to depression. Depression leads you to an unwillingness to do anything, and a fear of social mobility. I havent made it this far, but lets just say i know that song and dance. I know this snowball effect of horrible events is pretty much just in my head, which is why ive been trying to rise above it latley, but sometimes you can be your worst enemy. I think ive been doing a pretty damned good job of staying postive giving the circumstances.
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Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
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Maybe i will never see you walk through the door, the stir in the house as you settle into comfort, But some fond memory of relations. I never smiled when i saw you making eachother smile, a thousand lashes would not even secure the regert inside, but this is my chance to never regret again. To mend family and friendships long forgotten. Please dont let me forget you....what you stood for then...and now. My brother. Why are all the insignificant things the most important now, i just want to take it back and do it right. Let you know what i see now...why does it have to be what i see now? Because i SEE you now.
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Monday, January 30th, 2006
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We are all running and busy
even in my sleep, with peaceful dreams. Are we even supposed to dream?
Doing so much in a day, you lose the focus to slow. It gets me to the quick, poisons my blood. I would die if my life consisted of this for the rest of my days. Hungry when im tired, tired when im hungry, hating what i wanted always.
So it is. Day to day. Atleast i know that one day a week i will feel like myself. Maybe no one likes me, because on days like this i dont like myself. Day to day. Slow going. I guess i will just have to pick up the pace, drive in the fog, and teach myself everything i once knew.
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Thursday, January 19th, 2006
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Ground Rules: The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yourself" and people who get tagged need to write an LJ entry about their 5 weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged.
1. I eat the skin around my fingernails, and i cant stop no matter what i do. It keeps me calm...and satisfied. tehe
2. If there is more than one blanket or one person on a bed, all the covers have to be alligned just right or i'll get frustrated (I have a lot of bed time compulsions)
3. When i sleep alone, one of the only ways i can get to sleep is to hug a pillow with my right arm, have a pillow touching my back, and to have the t.v. on really low.
4. I arrange the products in the shower to make it look like a commercial. I like to make things look appealing like in advertisements.
5. I wont eat left-overs (acceptions for starvation, or day-after food sometimes) and i always leave one bite for some reason.
Next tags: jaded_logic,naturemaschine,seven_tears, whimsicalnookie,and lethalbubblegum.
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Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
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I got into a car wreck
my back is swollen.
I finally got a job, and i start next week!
I had to close my bank account for a school book.
I have four dollars to my name.
I have interesting people in my classes,
and i get my car fixed soon.
There is my update. Im doing excellent!
Oddly enough everything is falling right into place, and im realizing i need not worry so much.
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Thursday, December 29th, 2005
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I got a journal and im going to write in it.
Here is my first entry:
I wish i could remember all the songs i sing for you.
Driving home, in the rain, and the melody makes me happy as i shout the words fulfilled.
Yell the excitement to truck drivers and yellow lines, swerve as i drive, but always okay.
You make me always okay.
Random melody rememberance and estranged images of your fusion.
We are brewing our fate,and the fumes brush sweet on our tongues.
Love, talking over the images.
And every time i read my words i want to read them over.A song cannot afford the luxury. No one can afford such a luxury as a moment remembered, uncontrollable forgivess, severe reverance.
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Thursday, December 15th, 2005
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| Time: | 5:40 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. |
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Im afraid of everything that i want...and i want an adventure. I dont want to be in the land of brave and free, free from poverty, but we have our own. Our homeless eat pigeons, while we have no idea of hard work.
I dont think i have ever been this fed up with people, while being fed up with myself.
I've always tried to prove strength in my own vein, but now i know the citizenship to land, to money, to strength, and love...is diminishing my strength. I have none...or it hasnt yet been presented. I have been force-fed, sheltered, and cared-for. I should not blame myself, these are all good things, but they are not life. Since when is their no fight to live, no dignity.
We flip burgers and talk of celebrities. We go home to our "crappy" apartments with central heating, refrigerators and television. We complain about our love-lives. We go to counciling because our fathers abused us. We help in the soup kitchen.
Oh i dont know what im talking about. We, servants to industrialized glory have our own fight for survival. Survival of the popular and wealthy. You will be morally slain before the flesh is dead.
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Monday, December 5th, 2005
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Last night i was filled with a new hope that has drained away suddenly like melted plastic. The plastic that seals my trunk, flooded, water damage. It is so lonley when you have no purpose, and everything that you preach is yet another aspect of yourself. I thought that the weight of the world was a quaint joke, or a reason for suicidal thoughts. Money makes people suicidal, and i understand. Its not the confort of having alot in life....or so i thought. Its the fear of never having enough, and i know that wont change anything except for the worse. I know that dwelling upon unpleasant thoughts leads to more unhappiness...i know i know i know. Somehow it is not changing right now. I NEED to talk to someone...I dont even know about what, but i know that when i cry over a movie or a song or a smile someone gave me, it means i need to cry over something substantial...and i always find reason.
I forever ponder the word purpose. What is its purpose? Why must we all feel ill-content if we have none, and how do you know you have any. For me, right now, purpose is money. Purpose is something to do, forcebly a reason to be around people. Im losing all my social skills because im avoiding them, and then i bitch and moan about being alone....
Ahh. I feel better already, talking to no one. I WILL find a good job. I WILL have a very merry holiday. I WILL be able to have presents for my family.
That sounds more like it...
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| Time: | 9:13 pm. |
| Mood: | Better. |
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There is something else that i have firm issues with. I bleieve im right in every aspect of the matter and yet i too suffer from it. When im feeling down, pitying myself, i feel i have no right, and therefore feel guilty. Yet another heavy emotion tacked onto the bit. Why should i feel guilty? Because there are people with worse problems? So someone else's misfortune should redeem my present situation to mere discomfort? The idea is laughable and sad, and yet we all feel it. What comforts the less fortunate, the idea that they will die soon? or is it the continuous cycle of less fortunates. Most of the time i chose not to feel guilty for my self-pity....it is a hard task. All of these types of people is why there is Zen. I never knew it had a name until i stumbled upon it, and i am not a buddhist, but i am a magician....practically the same thing. To me the very cycling of this mindset is indescribable, and mastered by very few. Im teaching myself the ways in self-improvement and compassion, but have latley strayed. I dont want to think anymore....or maybe it brings up what i wrote earlier, i havent rambled in a while ....and there are very few people i feel comfortable doing that with.
I keep telling myself that this town is what is making me self-concious, lazy, or uninspired...but those very thoughts alone are slowly wielding my cycling downfall. If i move to a place where, granted there will possibly be like-minded people, there will still be rain, and buildings, streetlights, big-screens, interstates, or maybe just nature- trees, moss, birds..the like...I can find all of that here. Opportunity is a limiting word and i am currently shackled to its narrow defenition...
The funny thing about this journal is that most of the time when i am writing, im not even thinking about the general public. It escapes me that anyone reads it. I dont care if anyone does because i have nothing to hide, but it is still amusing to entertain the thought that people are reading of my personal downfalls as if it were the news. Hah.
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Sunday, November 27th, 2005
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She was right-when the holidays come, i feel pain. All around, suffocating my being. Why am i getting so bad? My body is keeping me from enjoying the happiness of my life.
I think my doctor is a pill-head, all the better for me!
Well, my childhood is over. All the games i played as a child, all the laughter that should not be shared by siblings will forever surround my sleep...and wake. All the times i drove around with a joint in one hand a cigarete in the other, and a road i know by heart layed out in front of me...has passed before i had time to choke down my toxic summers.
This is only a sad passing, briefly for a moment i will recall its splender, while yet another series of events shapes a new 'section' of time. I branded myself for all the wrong reasons. Now it symbolizes morality at a time when i had none, and how great it felt. I am free of this...and that feels great too. The grief is that it never seems like these times will change. People will live as long as they can, but i wonder what impressions they have. Like, my family....their worth everyone takes for granted. I am more scared about what they will think of me, and how they will feel when i leave, because i want every new section of my life to be accepted with open arms. As i know from my life, things are not as easy as they seem....That is my weakest downfall however. If i know someone i love is ashamed or upset by me...I would almost rather be...dead, i think.
Okay. I will enjoy these holidays all the same, and i will accept change the same way i always have, with open arms, the same way i want to be accepted. I want to give change a warm welcome-its only courteous.
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Thursday, November 17th, 2005
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Im going to stop taking Vic's for a while. No more cravings or sedating, its making me rather disgusted with myself. I have been so lazy when theres so many things i want to do. Might be doing something really big and scary soon...more on that later.
I have to write a rather in-depth term paper, and i have chosen animal rights-of course! Im really nervous about this paper. I want it to be perfect, informational, descriptive, and empowering. Thats alot to worry about for one paper and whenever i actually TRY to write it blows a wet softy. If anyone has any good books or suggestions on the matter contact me!
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Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
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Every day feel nothing but pain, well not nothing but...
Ive always been the kind of person that wants to be noticed by accident...i dont know if ive always been...
Maybe just singing at a pub...Saving an animal...Monologue on the curb.
Hmm, i wonder when i stopped trying. I have leadership, but for the life of me i want it dormant.
C'est la vie
Im still breathing and loving. Ill just dose my negativity down.
It seems like if you do that everything is...alright!
I thought i had a lot more to write, but latley when i write about my day i feel dull. So i shall leave with a smack and a make-up kiss!
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Monday, November 7th, 2005
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I missed some experiences, and my eyes looking fuzzy.
Was that seductive? to everyone but you?
I want to be jazz, skinny and white with eyeliner, hard curls.
I have two personas, and one is gray. Not in a cold, but a smoke kind of way.
God i want to smoke. Play guitar and smoke...neither of them i do. I want to prove that i can, if i wish too....
Everything has been so strange latley, and i am indiffrent to it all. I am the stone and fog. Nature is gone.....
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Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
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Where has the poetry gone? a week of not writing personal strings of emotion in my head, or singing whenever im alone. Like i dont care...about anything. I've been so indiffrent latley. Ive been slacking and sleeping...not much like me. All that i really wanted was to not care about other people so much, but as the saying goes; be careful what you wish for. So far you have made all of them come true. I hope i wont regret.
Anyways, school is fine and hard. My car is excellent and hard to steer. Anna is in good health, but longing for the outdoors, and my IC has crept back up on me with full vengeance.
That is all the time i have.
Anyone reading this i just want to let you know that i cannot comment on posts on my home computer for some odd reason, but just know its not that i dont want too!!!
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Thursday, October 6th, 2005
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"where the river cross
crosses the lake
where the words
jump off my pen
and into your pages
do you think
just like that
you can divide this
you as yours
me as mine to
before we were us
if the rain has to separate
from itself
does it say "pick out your cloud?"
pick out your cloud
if there is
a horizontal line
that runs from the map
off your body
straight through the land
shooting up
right through my heart
will this horizontal line
when asked
know how to find
where you end
where i begin
"pick out your cloud"
how light can play
and form a ring of rain
that can change bows into arrows
who we were isn't lost
before we were us
indigo is his own
blue always knew this
if the rain
has to separate
from itself
does it say pick out your cloud"
-Tori Amos
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shadowboxer881's journal