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Monday, April 18th, 2011

Time:3:04 pm.
I am my own guide down this path
some call it discovery, but i saw the end in site and was prepared to meet it with open arms
the childish nature of fear we know so well
many aren't prepared to face
do i get recognition for such bravery?
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, January 29th, 2011

Time:8:55 am.
Do i only want you because of your heterozygosity? The only thing that makes sense to me is the unseen. I say this only in consideration of your personality. I am drawn in and you have captivated me, but you are ALL wrong...
Must be our gene combination...HAS to be our biology..ive driven myself insane
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, January 3rd, 2011

Time:9:21 am.
Its all i can think about, but hardly ever dream about. Someone who is not right for me, and never will be. I discovered i just need the attention, to feel im the only one, thats what i get high on nowadays. Its pretty pathetic really, when my whole focus can be so astutely turned to one 'problem' that benefits no one and harms only myself. I hear that "we all do it" lose ourselves in love. this is not even love, does it warrant such a reaction? All this was was a testament to who i truly am. Someone that needs to be needed in order to feel okay, and someone that does not follow her own creed.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, December 4th, 2010

Time:3:57 pm.
Feels so strange to be here
not used to this place
So used to winning, or at least cheating the race.
I guess karmas a bitch, and she doesn't lie,
but my heart's a harsh mistress, she always puts fear aside.
So i lay down my hand, and give out my chips, and sing this song while i bite through my lips...
"Its' okay, its alright, im okay, i'll make it through the night.
He's not worth it, maybe sometimes, but down this long road, i'll hold my head high"
To me i seem full of life, to others maybe full of ice, but i shouldn't care because the time is right. I've got it all, can walk through walls, and everything i need, i can have it all.
"It's okay, it alright, im okay, I'll make it through the night.
He's not worth it, he's not perfect, that man don't exist, but i'll make him act it..."
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, November 7th, 2010

Time:8:05 pm.
Feel as though some magic combination of words will finally make me stop wanting. If i can smooth out this paper and then spill on it, like cherry koolaid overflowing a pitcher, my words would reach carrying capacity on this page then finally...calm
That will never be so, and everyone will leave, everything will change, i will lose my girlish figure, my cat will die, and i will miss the mountains..home.
But what if, what if i could say enough to make the craving, the hunger deep in my core--stop. Do we all do this? Fill it with anything? food, sex, smoke, love, running, music. I have a voracious apetite.
Im tired. Tired of running.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:New poem for an old love
Time:7:55 pm.
If I try to take a break
my break would last a year.
When i look at the growth rings on my desk
and count them like the years till my death.
I know were always alone but with you i can pretend
like time can never catch me.
I have written these words for others before you
but as the years pass they become more selfish.
What is the beauty in knowing what you want?
Only torture awaits when you peel life back like a scab.
A plan of perfect execution, one corner at a time
slowly, blood erupting.
When we should have just let it heal.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 25th, 2007

Time:11:59 am.
Why does something so simply beautiful have to me made a complicated mess by me. I swear i dont need all the attention, the time, the phone calls. I really dont want to be that lover, but i feel ignored. Maybe i just want more friends than i can handle with my current situation. You really are the only friend i could ever want. Do we share everything, except lives, is that what i want-complete equality, because that isnt even possible and i sound foolish. I would try to ditch me too if i was you. I have NO self-esteem this week, maybe i'll finally get my period. I sound so pathetic and lonely. God i mean we live together, and im still waiting for your calls, for your shouts across campus, your invites to lunch. I sound so pathetic "I dont ever get anything i want" Im really not this clingy...am i? All i heard from you this weekend was I love you, dont leave me, hell you even brought me chocolate at work, completley unexpectedly because you missed me during the whole 9 hours i was away.

This sucks, i sound like a baby...i hate love....i hate not feeling like myself
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, August 8th, 2006

Time:11:06 pm.
Since im in kentucky right now i thought i would give you all a taste of the birth-place of KFC

Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, June 16th, 2006

Time:8:24 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.
I never stop thinking of you. For the first time in a while i smiled when i saw your picture, not just because i know that is how you want to be remembered, but because i saw your essence, your zen.
A manner that is untouchable, and indescribable. Everytime i see her, i see you. To souls bound to one another, etched all over each other. When you make a life with someone, that is what happens. You made a life with everyone. I bet every single person you came in contact with remembers their conversation with you.
One thing that i cant do is read your thoughts. That is the hardest, partly because of things that i had said or done that i regret, and that you remembered, but also because of the things i wish you wouldve have told me. Having no idea about a person that you were in such close quarters with. It is the small things that erin does that make me sad...when i see her looking out the window. Listening to music, or reading the paper. Things that used to be so simple before you left. Everything is harder now. It's also harder knowing that i cant do anything to make anyone better...So many realizations of that fact have not made me neutral, but less persistent. So many times of being streched so thin because of caring to much, makes you apprehensive, and...shameful. I dont think my family realizes how much of their life is always replaying in my mind. How i worry incessantly about everyones well being, and worry about what they think about me and the course my life is taking. There is no need to worry about me, i dont love anyone less, i pine to be out of that house but not away from family....Well i kind of got off subject, so i guess i will end this post before my emotions override my rational thought.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, June 8th, 2006

Time:1:21 pm.
How do i love you this much?
What is it that you say,
your words lay warm on my breast.
Your words always on my mind, with my step, with my wake.
When i hear someone tell a story, i tell a story of us.
The only one worth telling.
Is it the way you stand, or sit, or sleep. What you eat, how you smell.
What you say, what you like. Your shower, your laundry.
Your manner is hard to grasp, ever changing, but i have never understood someone so fully.
Someone who understands me is hard to come by, and i will always be here. That is one thing i know for sure. Always stay on this mountain in love with you.
I think i see you all the time. A glimpse of your car, your smile.
Make my day.
I know you miss me when you are annoying, and i know your frustrated when you answer me quickly. You dont often say the things you mean, as if putting on a show. I can see you on a stage, manipulating your audience. You leave everyone wanting more of you.
I am honored to be in your presence. Tip toeing in our happpiness. We never upset eachother. We argue over science, and whats for dinner. The best kind of arguements that end with a rough and tumble on the floor, scaring the cat, making me laugh.
I've never had a bad day with you. A realization that i am just now coming upon. Even in the worst of situations i am excited that you are by me, watching me.
No one realizes how perfect you are. Something you once said to me, that i will reciprocate. I dont remember the inflections in your voice or the time of day when we realized our love, or when we first made love, or what i was wearing when we first met, but i remember where we were, where we were going, and what we smelled like. I feel so incredibly comfortable with you its as if weve been childhood friends, but our first memeories dont feel past me.
I can visualize your past as if im the silent observer, shaping what you will be as a man. I can see your slow progression, the things you've done, said, and read, more vivid for me than you. What i always wanted, a love that is never shallow on either end.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, June 6th, 2006

Time:5:11 pm.
touching you touch me
sunburn burn, and stomach ache
eat too much, sleep too much
love too much.
Latley i dream of porn stars...hurt dogs...and you..leaving me.
My skin burns as i lay on the porch
but its a feeling i like, a smell that takes me away.
When you say "I miss you" 5 minutes after my departure, i know then you won't leave me.
Sex in the morning, that hurts cruelly.
We get up anyway, pretending were healthy.
That's whats on my mind.
When can i see you next...sleep and eat next...wake up with head curls, and little time before class. That is what i think about, being high in the sun...
Im spoiled :)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, May 22nd, 2006

Time:6:30 pm.
My life is a bore right now...mostly my fault though. I've always been the type that needs others to get me up off my ass when ive had down time. I need deadlines, reports, responsibility. I NEED to find a job. When you are in physical pain you do nothing. Doing nothing leads to more doing nothing, which leads to depression. Depression leads you to an unwillingness to do anything, and a fear of social mobility. I havent made it this far, but lets just say i know that song and dance. I know this snowball effect of horrible events is pretty much just in my head, which is why ive been trying to rise above it latley, but sometimes you can be your worst enemy. I think ive been doing a pretty damned good job of staying postive giving the circumstances.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006

Time:10:53 am.
Maybe i will never see you walk through the door, the stir in the house as you settle into comfort, But some fond memory of relations. I never smiled when i saw you making eachother smile, a thousand lashes would not even secure the regert inside, but this is my chance to never regret again. To mend family and friendships long forgotten. Please dont let me forget you....what you stood for then...and now. My brother. Why are all the insignificant things the most important now, i just want to take it back and do it right. Let you know what i see now...why does it have to be what i see now? Because i SEE you now.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, January 30th, 2006

Time:10:22 am.
We are all running and busy
even in my sleep, with peaceful dreams. Are we even supposed to dream?
Doing so much in a day, you lose the focus to slow. It gets me to the quick, poisons my blood. I would die if my life consisted of this for the rest of my days. Hungry when im tired, tired when im hungry, hating what i wanted always.
So it is. Day to day. Atleast i know that one day a week i will feel like myself. Maybe no one likes me, because on days like this i dont like myself. Day to day. Slow going. I guess i will just have to pick up the pace, drive in the fog, and teach myself everything i once knew.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, January 19th, 2006

Subject:weird habits
Time:9:50 am.
Ground Rules: The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yourself" and people who get tagged need to write an LJ entry about their 5 weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged.

1. I eat the skin around my fingernails, and i cant stop no matter what i do. It keeps me calm...and satisfied. tehe

2. If there is more than one blanket or one person on a bed, all the covers have to be alligned just right or i'll get frustrated (I have a lot of bed time compulsions)

3. When i sleep alone, one of the only ways i can get to sleep is to hug a pillow with my right arm, have a pillow touching my back, and to have the t.v. on really low.

4. I arrange the products in the shower to make it look like a commercial. I like to make things look appealing like in advertisements.

5. I wont eat left-overs (acceptions for starvation, or day-after food sometimes) and i always leave one bite for some reason.

Next tags: jaded_logic,naturemaschine,seven_tears, whimsicalnookie,and lethalbubblegum.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

Time:6:03 pm.
I got into a car wreck
my back is swollen.
I finally got a job, and i start next week!
I had to close my bank account for a school book.
I have four dollars to my name.
I have interesting people in my classes,
and i get my car fixed soon.

There is my update. Im doing excellent!

Oddly enough everything is falling right into place, and im realizing i need not worry so much.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, December 29th, 2005

Time:9:11 pm.
I got a journal and im going to write in it.

Here is my first entry:

I wish i could remember all the songs i sing for you.
Driving home, in the rain, and the melody makes me happy as i shout the words fulfilled.
Yell the excitement to truck drivers and yellow lines, swerve as i drive, but always okay.
You make me always okay.
Random melody rememberance and estranged images of your fusion.
We are brewing our fate,and the fumes brush sweet on our tongues.
Love, talking over the images.

And every time i read my words i want to read them over.A song cannot afford the luxury. No one can afford such a luxury as a moment remembered, uncontrollable forgivess, severe reverance.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, December 15th, 2005

Time:5:40 pm.
Mood: confused.
Im afraid of everything that i want...and i want an adventure. I dont want to be in the land of brave and free, free from poverty, but we have our own. Our homeless eat pigeons, while we have no idea of hard work.

I dont think i have ever been this fed up with people, while being fed up with myself.

I've always tried to prove strength in my own vein, but now i know the citizenship to land, to money, to strength, and love...is diminishing my strength. I have none...or it hasnt yet been presented. I have been force-fed, sheltered, and cared-for. I should not blame myself, these are all good things, but they are not life. Since when is their no fight to live, no dignity.

We flip burgers and talk of celebrities. We go home to our "crappy" apartments with central heating, refrigerators and television. We complain about our love-lives. We go to counciling because our fathers abused us. We help in the soup kitchen.

Oh i dont know what im talking about. We, servants to industrialized glory have our own fight for survival. Survival of the popular and wealthy. You will be morally slain before the flesh is dead.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, December 5th, 2005

Time:10:05 pm.
Last night i was filled with a new hope that has drained away suddenly like melted plastic. The plastic that seals my trunk, flooded, water damage. It is so lonley when you have no purpose, and everything that you preach is yet another aspect of yourself. I thought that the weight of the world was a quaint joke, or a reason for suicidal thoughts. Money makes people suicidal, and i understand. Its not the confort of having alot in life....or so i thought. Its the fear of never having enough, and i know that wont change anything except for the worse. I know that dwelling upon unpleasant thoughts leads to more unhappiness...i know i know i know. Somehow it is not changing right now. I NEED to talk to someone...I dont even know about what, but i know that when i cry over a movie or a song or a smile someone gave me, it means i need to cry over something substantial...and i always find reason.
I forever ponder the word purpose. What is its purpose? Why must we all feel ill-content if we have none, and how do you know you have any. For me, right now, purpose is money. Purpose is something to do, forcebly a reason to be around people. Im losing all my social skills because im avoiding them, and then i bitch and moan about being alone....

Ahh. I feel better already, talking to no one. I WILL find a good job. I WILL have a very merry holiday. I WILL be able to have presents for my family.

That sounds more like it...
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Time:9:13 pm.
There is something else that i have firm issues with. I bleieve im right in every aspect of the matter and yet i too suffer from it. When im feeling down, pitying myself, i feel i have no right, and therefore feel guilty. Yet another heavy emotion tacked onto the bit. Why should i feel guilty? Because there are people with worse problems? So someone else's misfortune should redeem my present situation to mere discomfort? The idea is laughable and sad, and yet we all feel it. What comforts the less fortunate, the idea that they will die soon? or is it the continuous cycle of less fortunates. Most of the time i chose not to feel guilty for my self-pity....it is a hard task. All of these types of people is why there is Zen. I never knew it had a name until i stumbled upon it, and i am not a buddhist, but i am a magician....practically the same thing. To me the very cycling of this mindset is indescribable, and mastered by very few. Im teaching myself the ways in self-improvement and compassion, but have latley strayed. I dont want to think anymore....or maybe it brings up what i wrote earlier, i havent rambled in a while ....and there are very few people i feel comfortable doing that with.
I keep telling myself that this town is what is making me self-concious, lazy, or uninspired...but those very thoughts alone are slowly wielding my cycling downfall. If i move to a place where, granted there will possibly be like-minded people, there will still be rain, and buildings, streetlights, big-screens, interstates, or maybe just nature- trees, moss, birds..the like...I can find all of that here. Opportunity is a limiting word and i am currently shackled to its narrow defenition...

The funny thing about this journal is that most of the time when i am writing, im not even thinking about the general public. It escapes me that anyone reads it. I dont care if anyone does because i have nothing to hide, but it is still amusing to entertain the thought that people are reading of my personal downfalls as if it were the news. Hah.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

LiveJournal for Shadow Cat.

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